here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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