I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
