On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
