oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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