i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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