I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
