My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
