So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
