I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
