I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
