I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Still dying that you shit outside
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
