I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
