Your mouth is God's brothel.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
