one two three fourrrrnication!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize