life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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