Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
