so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
