Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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