Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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