My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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