The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
