worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Randomize