So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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