When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
