Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
