my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
