It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
