Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
