Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
