That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
