I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
