"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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