**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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