Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He passed out mid-signature
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
