FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize