my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the day after is always just damage control
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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