I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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