we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
