I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
