Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
