there was a trapeze. enough said
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
why do cheetos always look like penises
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
