I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
