Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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