theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
