my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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