Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
