Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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