M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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