My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize