apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
