The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
