I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
