I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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