I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
