I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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