i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
