i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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