I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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