i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
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