my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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