SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
