Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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