John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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