I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
