you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
