you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I intend to get homeless drunk
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize