Don't you send me to vm
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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