why didn't you poke me back
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
