meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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