I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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