that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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